Gratitude - Giving myself permission

A guest post from L.:

Giving Myself Permission

It has been a rocky week for my family. On Monday, my grandmother, one of the most important and inspiring women in my life, was diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer. At 92, I knew her time with us would eventually end, but she’s so bright and fiery still that it was easy to imagine her being with us for another decade.

For my personality, extroverting my feelings is healing and allowing external support is super important for my well-being, and yet I notice I often hold back when I need to share. Sharing or extroverting my feelings comes quite easily to me in a well-established close relationships, but I tend to hold back in developing relationships. I have a mostly unconscious perception that it won’t be safe, or I’ll completely break down if I let a little bit of emotion show. What I know to be true from my practice though, is that when I don’t give permission for one part of myself to be how it is and to flow, other parts of me will also be stifled or dampened.

I’m making it a practice to notice this, and consciously choose to open more, both to myself and to others. If I shut down and don’t give myself permission to share the brokenness and sadness I feel, I also am shutting down the possibility of deepening connection and relationship, which is one of the most joyful parts of life for me. What I’m finding when I give myself permission to let the waves of feelings move through me, and to share that with others, is that I am buoyed up in an ocean of support and one of the strongest currents in that ocean is gratitude.

After the diagnosis, my grams was the first to remind us all of how much we had to be grateful for. We’ve made so many beautiful memories together, and I’m so lucky that I grew up near her and have had the chance to relate to her so much as an adult. Leading quietly by example throughout my whole life, my grams has forged and held onto relationships and modelled how to stick with relationships even when they are challenging, conflicted, and stretch you into vulnerable places. I am so grateful to her for that example. And I feel so grateful for all the supportive hugs and compassionate ears in my moments of sadness and vulnerability this week. I’m glad I gave myself permission to share.